legend

You can never have enough Tom Waits………………..

….working hard, hardly working

Friday, was my last day at work. I am leaving my current job and we are moving to Albuquerque in about a week. *(I plan on blogging the road trip with plenty of pictures, so i’m sure all 1 of my readers will be waiting with anticipation for that).

I’m refelecting on that job, where i spent 3 1/2 years, and here are some highlights:

- Crazy Golf. One day, while the two main bosses were out, we built a 9 hole crazy golf course that ran all around the office thru the parts dept back thru the hall and around the programming dept. I’m not a golfer, but i won.

- Driving range. An exhilirating pastime involved driving golf balls as high and as far as possible into the neighbouring residential area by the back of the office. *Not advisable to hang around too long outside after that one.

- Fire. Tim likes fire. All kinds of objects got the aerosol flamethrower treatment at the smoking spot by the back door. People, mice, plastic cups, computer parts, the carpet (that was me).

- Death Soccer. The object of the game was to inflict as much pain as possible on your opponent. One guy would place the ball for a penalty kick while the other would stand 10 feet away directly in front of him (usually with hands clasped for protection in the groin area). Then the aggressor would fong the ball as hard as possible at his opponent in the hope of a head shot or better. Extra points could be gained for not flinching at the moment of impact. Sometimes innocent bystanders would join the game unwillingly.

- Throwing stuff at Ray. Not a very complicated game, it basically involved throwing whatever objects you had available at this guy, Ray. Not Ray’s favorite office game.

-Fireworks dodge. Again, since some sort of sparks/flames were involved, this was a Tim specialty. Involved fireworks aimed at a horizontal angle , and some more innocent bystanders.

- Paper Trail. A full roll of cash register paper is quite long. If said paper is attached to the back of someone’s work vehicle correctly, hopefully they will not notice it before driving off. If they get to the end of the drive and get on the public highway without noticing then you’ve hit the jackpot. The sight of a pick-up truck barreling down the road with 100 feet of paper trailing behind must surely be quite a spectacle.

Your guess is as good as mine as to how i got employee of the year 2 years running !

What’s your favourite Office/work game ?

asplosion

On Monday morning, a family of four, was found dead in their home in Co Wexford, Ireland. Apparently the kids were smothered, the mother had no injuries and no sign of a struggle, and the father hung himself in the hallway. The full story has not emerged but Gardai have stated that none of the deaths are accidental and they are not looking for anyone else in relation to the deaths. That is tragic.

The first news report i read of the story had information about how the Gardai should have done this and the HSE should have done that, that there’s this investigation into how the Gardai handled things on the Friday beforehand and this other independent investigation being setup and fucking blah, blah blah ad nauseam………..someone’s at fault here, someone needs to take some blame for this.

So, i wonder is this an Irish thing ? Are we a shower of lazy bastards that don’t do our jobs properly and then point fingers when something goes wrong ?

Then i thought back on the events of last week at Virginia Tech . That was a tragedy. But then it was the same shit in the news about how something should have been done and a guy like that should have been locked up or drugged up or something, to prevent it from happening. And most reports i read talked about the University being at fault for not alerting people after the first shooting and not evacuating straight away and the Police should have done more.

Now, i’m not defending anybody one way or the other. Government, Police, Social Workers, anybody. I’ve never been one to immediately come down on one side of the fence anyway. The only thing i’m sure about in both the above cases is that they were both sad, tragic events where innocent lives have been lost. The families of the victims will take a long time to come to terms with what has happened and some will be better equipped to deal with it than others.

It all leaves me with some questions of my own………….

Since when did a tragedy become an unacceptable event that should never have happened ?

When did we decide that all bad things can be prevented ?

Why is it that the “news” almost immediately turns into a witch-hunt when these things happen ?

Is this a recent Phenomenon ?

Is it because of the “information age” where any developing news story hits the whole world in minutes ?

Why should People who live decent enough lives , and for the most part carry out their jobs in a satisfactory manner catch heat over the actions of a Madman ?

On a different level , it gets me thinking about stuff like how when i was stopped at a traffic light this evening and there was six warning signs all attached to this one pole and then i start to notice warning signs everywhere alerting me to everything that could possibly go wrong. I start to think about how maybe some people see all this everyday and are just freaked out about all the bad shit that could happen, and the only way they’re gonna feel safer is if more laws are made to protect them from the world and the people in it, so that eventually there will be all kinds of measures and procedures in place to protect us all from every possible negative thing that could ever happen……………………

So i’m driving along thinking about all this……..

………………….and then…………………………………

………………………………my brain…………………………………….

……………………………………………………………………..asploded !

Mitch Hedberg

King of the one-liners, Mitch Hedberg was found dead in a hotel room in 2005. While it was initially reported that he died from a heart attack, the autopsy revealed a large amount of cocaine and heroin present in his system at the time of death.

Now, i know that’s not exactly fresh news, but if you’ve never seen or heard his stuff it’s well worth the effort to try and find it. There isn’t a whole lot of his material out there, some clips on youtube and a few sound clips floating around. I think his best shit was on a Comedy Central special he did which you can find here .

Here he is on the David Letterman show, one of his last televised performances:

…yeah you, ye lazy shite

I’ve been spending more time at the park lately. Just hanging around, kicking ball, throwing stuff in the water to make the fish jump, running around making a fool of myself for Liam’s benefit.

It’s fuckin’ great.

So my advice to you today is to get up of your arse and go out and do something. Take a walk or go for a cycle or take the kid(s) to the woods (if you don’t have any kids it’s not advisable to steal other peoples’) just get out and do something different.

Now, go on.

Out with you.

GO !

GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I LEATHER YOUR ARSE FOR YOU !

this is bullshit !

I’ve had my fair share of run-ins with the plod over the years. I’ll save my youthful drink/drug fuelled indiscretions for another day. In more recent years all my run-ins have been behind the wheel of various vehicles. Since i’ve been in the states i’ve been pulled over eight times by some fine specimens of the policing fraternity. 4 speeding tickets, 2 failures to come to a complete stop at a stop sign, 1 failure to obey an officer when he was diverting all traffic into one lane ( that one was a load of bollocks, i was trying to get off the highway via a wide open exit ramp but he had a masterplan for traffic domination and woe betide anyone using some common sense around that long streak of misery ) and finally, 1 ticket for not wearing a seat belt.
Keep in mind, all jobs i’ve worked at up to now require a lot of driving. I’ve never been a “boy-racer” or even aspired to be one. What i have been in the past is be impatient, and anxious to get my work done so i can get home as early as possible and do anything but work.
Anyway, anytime i’ve seen the blue lights flashing in the rear-view, i immediately put on my indicator (blinker, yanks) and pull over at a safe spot on the side of the road. When Mr. Plod sashays up to the window i sit calmly and greet him politely and answer the question “Do you know why i stopped you ?” with a very civil “yes officer” (You don’t say “sir”, you have to say “officer” …… it boosts their ego to no end, i’ve seen it work in the movies) all the while making that face that says “i know i did wrong, but i’m a nice guy, so if there’s any chance you’re going to pick one person that gets a free pass today, please let it be me” . Some hope.
On each occasion i’ve taken it on the chin, immediately accepted that the law is the law, and bid the officer in question a good day while resolving to myself, half-heartedly, to slow down and be a good boy from here on. Except for the last time, a couple of weeks ago.

I was taking Liam down to the riverside park in Memphis to let him run around a bit and enjoy the fine day that was in it. As i approach the entrance to the car-park, i see two cops there and they’re chatting with a few guys so i wonder “hmmmm, looks like something happened here, we’ll pull in and park up the far end, away from this criminality and lawlessness that these fine gentlemen of the law seem to have under control”. As i take the turn into the car-park, this one cop turns swiftly to face me and straight away motions for me to stop beside him. He walks to the back of the car and it looks like he’s writing down my plate number. Then he arrives at my window and asks for my License and registration. Aghast, i ask him what he pulled me over for and he informed me that i was not wearing a seat belt. He goes back to his car and checks his computer and makes sure i’m not an escaped turd burglar or whatever. I start to get angry about the whole deal. The road is pretty busy there that day, and there’s kids on motorbikes tearing up and down the street, doing illegal u-turns, and wannabe thugs blaring out the bass in their escalades and suburbans, like it’s 50 cent’s birthday or some shit. And here i sit, with people walking by, looking at me with Liam in the car like i’m public enemy number one and social services need to come take that child from me lest i take him back to whatever shot-up, trash-infested crack house i crawled out of.
Plod comes back to the window, hands me the ticket and as i’m signing it i exclaim, not too loudly mind you, ” this is bullshit ! ” . Fuck ! Did i really just say that out loud? I only meant to think it, not say it. I’ve got my 2 yr old son in the car and i should know better. I’m an idiot. I’m the worst parent in the world. Now this cop is gonna have me out of the car and arrest me and Liam WILL be taken to social services and Angie is gonna go apeshit and…..and…..and…..
My hopes that maybe i hadn’t actually said it out loud were dashed when the cop says “Bullshit ? Wadya mean it’s bullshit !?!? You weren’t wearing your safety-belt!…huh!?!? “
Oh shit.

This guy is gonna use the old “Logic” trick on me.

Naw, but seriously, he’s right. All i could do was make that face i was talking about earlier, keep my mouth shut, put the car in gear and get the hell out of there before he decided to Rodney O’ King my Irish ass.

I’ve been wearing my seat-belt since then. I don’t care anymore about the arguments for and against seat-belt law and violation of personal perogative or whatever. I wear it now because it’s the right thing to do. Because Angie wants me to. Because my Ma and Da want me to. Because Liam wears one. Because it’s the law and as i get older some battles just aren’t worth the hassle anymore and at 34 i’ve still got some growing up to do.

apres match

Feel kinda shitey today, no reason, just one of those days.

But this vid put a smile on my face, and i hope it does the same for you.

“….and he was chewed to bits by 6 Labradors……..fantastic ” heh !

Swingball

I get up this morning, get Liam his milk, and plant him in front of the TV to watch Pingu, while i go to take a shower. So, i hop in the shower and there just above where the shower head meets the wall is the biggest, meanest, ugliest bastard of a bug i’ve ever seen in my life. I assume it’s a cockroach, but not being an expert on matters bug-related, it could be a mutant cockroach-buffalo or some shit. So, i hop back out of the shower and i’m standing in the bathroom, buck-naked,looking around for something to whack him with, but being a cheap so-and-so i don’t want to have to throw away a 1/2 full shampoo bottle coz it’s got bug guts all over it, and there’s no way i’m gonna clean off the bottle after the kill and leave it in there, for fear that even bigger bugs would pick up the smell of death off it and come looking for a meal. Then i’d have to kill the bigger bug when it shows up. I mean, think it thru. It would set in motion a chain of events culminating in some bruiser of a cockroach sitting on my toilet bowl some morning drinking tea, dragging on a Marlboro, reading his daily newspaper ( A Bug’s Life………maybe ?) and telling me to get the feck out if i know what’s good for me.

Anyway, so i decide to drown him. I grab the shower head and spray the bastard off the wall and trap him down in the drain area. He doesn’t drown. He’s flailing about in 2 inches of water while i keep pummelling him with spray from the shower head. He’s a tough fucker, no doubt about it. I get an idea. Holding the shower head in my left hand, keeping him in one spot with the spray, i manage to reach with my right hand to the toilet paper on the far wall. I’m gonna wrap up a big wad of paper, smother him in it, then using more paper i’ll grab the whole lot in my fist and crush the bastard.

My plan works, and there i am crouched over the side of the bathtub, mumbling “i gotcha now ya little fucker”. At this point Angie pushes open the door, sees me, bare hairy Irish arse in the air, and asks “what are you doing !” .

So i’m standing there, in all my naked glory, explaining my heroic deed to her, not noticing Liam standing in between the two of us. Seems he was having a staring contest with my Jap’s Eye and must not have liked the way auld Willie was looking at him. Well, before i was aware of this little tete-a-tete Liam winds up and smacks my little man with the ferocity of a professional swingball player.

Luckily it didn’t hurt too much and i thought that it was the funniest thing he’s ever done.

My Friday could not have started any better. Seriously.

*Edit : I’ve just realised it’s Thursday and i’m not happy about it at all !

Wi-Fi Hotspots

Found this a while back…………….

It’s got a European link too with quite a few Irish places listed. For those of you who need a blog fix when you’re out gallavantin’ all over the shop and have wan a’ dem fancy Lapdance Computers.

dude, man, bro.

When i first moved to the states, quite a few coversations went along the lines of:

Yank: So you’re from Ireland, huh ?

Me: That’s right, how’s it goin’.

Yank: What part of Ireland are you from.

Me: Limerick, you ever heard of it ?

Yank: Is that in the Northern part ?

Me: No, it’s in the Southwest .

Yank: Oh, ok……..I’m irish y’know

Me: No you’re not.

Yank: Oh yeah, my grandma’s fathers brothers cat got screwed up the ass
by a goat whose owners wifes second cousin once saw a picture that had a
shamrock in it.

Me: But you’re American.

Yank: I just love your accent.

Me: Thanks, i’ve been working hard on it.

Yank: So, what do you do ?

Me: When ?

Yank: No, i mean where do you work at.

Me: I don’t

(dude comes walking by)

Yank: Hey yo dude,man…….come meet the Irish guy.

Dude: What’s up dude?

Me: How’s it goin’ dude ?

Dude: So, what part of Ireland you from ?

awww FOR FUCKS SAKE

*Disclaimer : some yanks are sound, it’s just hard to weed them out.